From you to my summer.

Dear Esca.

Sorry for everything. I'm sorry for all the stuff that went down between us. I think it sucks na parang impossible for us to be friends without one hurting the other or vice versa. God, ang sad lang talaga. We had such good times together. Sobrang...sobrang masaya naman tayo the way we were, as in with the simple friendship and everything, while it lasted eh. Sobrang masaya na ako na talagang good friends tayo nung mga time na yun. Gets mo? Parang...If I were to say I had a guy best bud, I'd say it was you eh. And isn't that the saddest thing in the world, finally realizing that you're truly hurting someone you care about?

It's not even that I like you, blah blah blah. That's not the case anymore. At this point I don't care about that stuff anymore eh. Friends tayo eh, really good friends even, and I'm just really gonna miss all the random crazy times we spent together. It's so hard for me to imagine us being distant, kasi gets diba dati we'd say that pero it never happened naman eh. And I don't know what it is about the last conversation we had, pero somehow nafeel ko that maybe this time it's for real. And I don't know how to deal with that. I swear I don't know how to. I mean, parang ang weird eh. Like I'd see you in school and what? I can't make you kulit or like bother you? ANG WEIRD TALAGA. But I know na you need this. I know that you're going to need this so you can fix things with Bianca. And you know naman that even after everything, I just want you to be happy eh. I guess at first it was really hard to me to realize that you couldn't be happy like, with me or something, kasi gets kahit ba sabihin kong I moved on na I guess a part of me really was waiting for you eh. But I know better now. It's okaay now. I actually trust myself on this one this time.

Yun lang, Esca. I'm so sorry for everything. People always keep telling me bakit ka ba nagsosorry? Di ko naman daw kasalanan lahat lahat ng nangyari blah blah blah. Pero alam naman natin pareho kasalanan ko rin talaga yun eh. Saka it really hurts me to see you sad. Seriously. It's really killing me to see you suffer. I know I've hurt you in the past, and I'm sorry. And you've hurt me so much too. Pero alam mo naman yun diba, na for some reason I can never really find it in me to stay mad at you for long. Ganun lang talaga eh. And masakit talaga sakin to see you problemado or hurt. Alam ko you really want things to work out with Bianca. I know you love her. And I'm sorry I had to mess all that up pa.

I'm so sorry. I'm willing to face the consequences of all the wrong stuff we did. I'll pay for it too.

SUMMER NA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's oooooveeer. Freshman year is over.

Grabe. Even I didn't think time would fly by this fast.

Okaay.

Things to be thankful for:

1. Blue Babble - Omiiigod I don't even know how to start. HOW DO I START? Hmm basta ganito. Thank you for the passion, the heart, the Babble family, real friendships, riding together AND dying together, the bench, solid bonding inumans at wherever, introducing me to Mr. Kabab!!!, NCC - my first competition ever!, my injuries hahahaha, the concert - we made it!, Coach Randell's hardcore conditioning and training (working out is fulfilling and fun!), ORSEM 2007, UAAP Season 70 (Season 70 ba yun last season?), car sessions, McDo, not going home with teammates, GraceKatsyLauDyan (i miss you guys), Team Alexis!! (I loves you you biatch), the sembreak outing, the freshman room, the freshmen lifters, Kuya JP!!, Arc and Baba (my first captains ever), Battalion boys, Merv and Yogi the freshmen band boys!, Blue Eagle Gym and MAC, that feeling of being part of something that's bigger than you and knowing that you did something worthwhile with your time. I'm thankful that Babble took my Saturday nights and my sleeping time, that it took my 5am mornings and my uninjured ankles, because I learned so much, and have grown so much, from all these people and all these things.
   
2. H1 - THE BEST BLOCK EVER!!! Okaaay doesn't everyone say that about their block naman talaga. Hahaha but seriously, I love my block majorly. Sabaw Math 11 days, sino may tissue natatae ako!, 730am InTact mornings on a Monday YUCK, Regina and Ashley:), Mico and Budoy and the solid katamarans + sleepover of death + yahoo we survived fil12 with Mr. Samar!!!, Orange Juice with Kiks, Celly Welly we can be tiny together, Christmas Party natin! tinapon niyo ko sa pool Mico and Merv gago kayo hahaha. I'm sad that I had to leave our Math class, I missed you guys. I wish I got to spend more time with you guys. Kung alam niyo lang how much I looooooove you guys. Thanks for the year. :) Yay magkakasama na talaga tayo next year!!!
   
3. R24 - MY MOST FAVORITE ENGLISH BLOCK IN THE WORLD :) Sobrang joyful ng M-W-Fs ko because of you guys! Mr. Escano and his yahooo fieldtrips, Ms. Santiago and her intense but super inspiring lectures, Blog reports, final papers, film viewing at MMR, Mt Banahaw, Hot Air Balloon Festival, bonus questions ni sir na sabaw, Mikoy my baby!!, Balmarrific my second sem seatmate, Karole the responsible woman, Raymund Escalona pangit ka hahaha araw araw tayo magkasama, Dennis and Tung and Tommy!, ELVIS HAHA, freecuts na malupit, the comfort of each other, the relationships that we built, the friendships that we made. I didn't think I'd make such good friends from this block, but I did. Thanks you guys. I love you all.
4. Steak and Potatoes salad - I love you Diet Dojo I'll think of you in the summer.
5. Chicken Nuggets from Chinky Chickens - Chris Tiu I looove you. Hahahaha!
6. Football season - my most favooooorite season in the world :)
7. College parties - they were fun while they lasted. haha.
8. New friends - it was fun seeing a whole new world out threre. Gia and Bettina, special mention to you guys. I love you both.
9. My ultimate and my butete man - you made my second sem super colorful and kilig-ful :)) Kahit di niyo ko pinapansin okaay lang kasi ang cute niyong dalawa. HAHAHAHA!
10. Paolo Alec and the rest of the Secwalk people - yay may kasama ako! I looove you guys :)
    
11. Comp labs - thanks you guys. Lifesavers.
    
12. Katipunan - yay ang maraming pagkain ay one trike away only.
13. HAHA si pag-ibig - thanks for saying hi everyday nainspire ako eh. :) HAHAHA :)
    
14. Secfield bazaars? - new food!!
15. Cello's choco oreo - what would I do without you?
16. Matteo - project place. We survived fellow groupmates in many different subjects! Haha
17. Alexis' condo - yes a place to sleep before training.
    
18. And last, but definitely not the least, my barkada - Duh. LHTs forever. I'm so happy that we managed to super duper still keep in touch despite the busy schedules and the distance. I miss you guys like crazy. Therefore, let's go crazy this summer :)
    

Okaay I'm tamad to make a summer checklist na. Next time nalang.

Punyeta may Math LT ako bukas at sinasabaw ang utak ko. Sobrang hindi ako nagaaral ng maayos!!

UUUUGHH KASABAWAN NG UTAK.

Okaay lang at least I got to talk to you today. Ang cute cute mo pa today grabe nakakadeads ka. :)

NAKAKADEADS KA TO DEAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTHHHH. :) :) :) :)

Anyyyyywaaaayy. Gio's right. I have to give myself this chance to be happy naman. I wanna live my life the right way already. :)


ACKNESS nakakadeads ka talaga.

I'm happy na when you say hi everyday. :) SERIOSO MAGHI KA LANG ARAW-ARAW PERFECT NAKO SA LAHAT NG TEST KO!!!

Serioso!! Hahaha :)

Summer mode nako!! I just want to sleep all day and NOT THINK. About anything. At all.

And for you: bahala ka na sa buhay mo leave me alone. you're a blind ass and it's your problem, not mine. pleeease just leave me alone.

anywhere with you
anywhere with you
anywhere with you.

Omigod im totally suffering from a Ne-yo hangover omigod.

We got free tickets PATRON pa!! Holyshit ang saya!!!!

I love Ne-yoooooooo.:)

I guess it was a good way to sorta end a REALLY crappy week. I'm just happy this week is over.

Papakamartyr nalang ako. That's what I'm good at anyways.

I hope I pass the ITM test!! I don't wanna have to take that for summer anymore. Besides, it's so expensive.

I just didn't think I'd feel so guilty. :( I feel so guilty that I don't regret anything. This sucks like hell. :(

WHATEVER BAHALA NA SI BATMAN I LOVE NE-YO!! Hahaha.

I miss you. It's barely been a day and I miss you already.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm complicated.

This sucks.

I'm so stressed and bored. I think I failed my last Math LT. GOOOOOOODDDDDD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

The football team won yesterday! 2-0! Yahoo! Championship game on Thursday! I'm so watching. :)

I had soooo much fun with my barkada last Saturday. I miss them. So much. I wish we could spend more time together.

I'm in total summer mode. As in seriously. Nakakabaliw. Hahaha.

Whatever. Life is good. :) 

Happiness is a choice.

I want to make that choice. Kahit ba wala akong love life tapos malapit na Valentines' Day. Kahit ba my crush would rather look at all the libag on the floor than make eye contact with me. And kahit na I'm definitely not gonna make DL this sem anymore because I'm barely passing Chem and Fil and Math. Wooooooooowwwwwww.

Pero ohweeell. I'm kind of used to crappy things happening to me anyways. Doesn't stop me from seeing all the other good things in life. Like real friends. And cute football players. :) (Hahaha that last one was so shallow, but hello! It's so fun to watch football games with the hot boys in action. HAHAHA)

Yahoooo boycott emo land and lonely people! I just wanna be haaaaaaaaaapppppy and I know I can be. :)

I have braces already.

naodnpafnowpgnjwo;ngv;wenmfoer jgdrpogjpdfb mdfmbdlfb ,nlfsmd ad.

Craaaaaappppppppp serioso!!! :((

I look like crap. I look like ugly Betty. Plus they hurt. And I can't eat. This sucks. :(

And I didn't get to go to the football game na naman kanina cause my mom wouldn't let me anymore. I'm sorry Baba please don't be mad. :(

Ugggghhhhh they're painful.

It's over na, I'm hopeless na sa crush ko! HAHAHA!!

Ohwell whateeeeveeer. Bahala na si Batman!

First draft due on Wed, ITM Test on Thurs, Math midterms on Fri! I'm DEEEEAAAAD beyond deaaaad.

I loooooove my teammates. :) But I miss my barkada. :(

I'm gonna be super stressed all weekends of Feb. Woohoo. Hahaha.

IT'S OVER OMIGOD IT'S OVER!!!!!!!

WE SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, sure, our first concert ever wasn't really as perfect as we wanted it to be, but everything fell into place eventually naman eh. What matters is we gave it our all and we made the crowd happy. Which we did, SO YAY!!!! :)

AAAACCCKKKK my ankle is killing me. Sobrang painful serioso. TAEEEEEE. I'm missing classes today plus I wasn't able to go to simbang gabi cause my ankle hurts so bad. :(

I love the Babble family. :) I looooove each and every one of theeem. I loooooooooveeeeee looove loooooveee you guys.

Cheska, I'm really sorry now lang. :( I've been super stressed and drained lately, sorry talaga. Nadamay ka pa. Sorry talaga. :(

No more morning trainings. No more morning and night trainings. Grabe. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna miss it. Omigod I cannot believe I actually said that. Hahahaha.

Everything's worth it in the end. :)

I have so much to be thankful for. Yahoooo Pasko na. :)

I AM SOOOO TIIIIIREEEEED.

Morning trainings are draining me like craaaazzzzyyyyy. Sobrang sabaw and lost na ng mga araw ko. Haaaayyyy.

I think I failed my first Math20 LT. No, scratch that. I KNOW I failed it. Holyyyyycraaaaap. Cancelled na yun. Kailangan.

TIRED
TIRED
TIRED
TIRED

I cannot think of anything else to write
except that I am sleepy
and tired
don't wanna move
but I have to go to mass
and do my Fil12 orals thing
and do my blog report (thor please blog already I can't sleep late)

I must go to ILoveNewYork. I must dance.
I muuuuussst.

Stars.
And clouds.
And dreams.

What do you do when all that's left of you is nowhere to be found? Where do you go when all the things you believed in, all the things you held on to, what if it's all some stupid lie? Where do  you go when all the places you used to run to are falling beneath your feet?

Sometimes the day is okay, and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes our personal pains are overshadowed by the pains of those we hold close to our hearts, and this pain they hold within them - it's so huge, so much to take, with wounds that cut so deep and scars that are difficult to hide. And it takes all of you, all your time, all your energy, all that you are, to heal the wounds and conceal the scars, but sometimes it's never enough. It's all become a sometimes to me. Sometimes and maybes.

Does God look down on us from Above and think to Himself that we are ungrateful and pathetic? That there is so much beauty among the blood and the tears and that we, those who have been gifted with things like friendship, like family, choose only to wallow in the tiny, seemingly unimportant things like heartbreak and disappointment? But how do you look up when you're broken? How do you keep your head up when you're bleeding from within? How do you breathe when you're face down on the ground?

I want to understand. I want to. Like crazy. I want to understand why it had to be done. I want to think that there is a  reason for the pain and the heartache, that there is a strength that comes from the tears that feel endless and the helplessness that feels like it's gonna last forever. I want to. But I can't seem to.

Reason feels as far as the stars do.

I want to believe in happy endings and romance and slow dances. I want to. But how do you believe when everything is falling apart?

I don't want to be the dark and twisty Meredith girl who never gets anything right, with the weird family and the lack of faith in love and all the things that came with it. But I think that at this point we've all become Meredith, with the broken Burkes and Christinas falling apart all around us. There's a darkness that lurks in all of us. And I hate that we've become this, but it's the truth.

Okay. So in my dream 2 days ago I was opening the ref to get a class of milk. And I did,  but then I suddenly felt thirsty and I couldn't decide if I should just have water instead of milk. And I kept asking myself, water or milk? Water or milk?

Water or milk? Then I woke up.

I believe this means I am very undecided right now. On lots of different things. I really have to settle. Make decisions. Settle.

WE WON!! AGAINST UST!! 4 MORE GAMES TO GO!!!

Omigod we have to win against DLSU on Thursdaaaayyy. Accckkk.

It's kinda funny cause as freshmen our workload isn't that huge yet, and it's like all my upperclassmen teammates are stressing and freaking out over all the papers and long tests and group projects and everything, and we're...we're not as busy.

So I didn't come home from Lau's debut last night. Actually, I didn't come home at all. To anywhere. Graaabbbee sobrang solid experience!! I sweaaar. I looove Lau and Grace and Katsy. :) Freshmen teammates forever. :)

I'm sleepy slash tired. But I still feel super alive.

Sometimes you never expect it, but there are those really random moments in your day that make you feel really alive. Like someone tells a joke and you laugh really hard, and you realize how alive you actually are. Or you cry and feel bad about something and you feel your heart beating so fast and you think to yourself, hey, I am alive.

Wala lang. It feels good to be alive.

There's a lot to be thankful for. :)

WE WON AGAINST LA SALLE!!!!! CHRIS TIU MARRY ME NA!!!!!!

Hahahaha. But anyway. I swear, school's been hell-ish lately. It's like I barely have free time on school days anymore. There's the magazine for English, and the blog report, and the Lit LT on Wednesday which I am totally not looking forward to, and the Lit group reporting, and the Filipino group reporting, and the lab paper, and all the other quizzes and short papers and everything. Now I kind of know what they meant when they said life was gonna be hell here in the Ateneo.

But it's pretty much okaay, I guess. It's all worth it. There's so much to be thankful for. Like Chris Tiu. HAHAHAHAHA JOKE LANG.

Pero sobrang comedy this afternoon because Chris Tiu went to the bench to talk to my teammate who was like, his good friend or something, and he was just standing there talking to my friend and I was sitting right beside my friend and OMIGOD I couldn't breathe and next thing I knew I was CRYING. Grabe, CRYING. I am such a groupie fanatic whatever. SUPER EMBARRASSING. But funny. Hahahaha. :)

Okay wala lang. I've been happy but stressed lately. Ohwell. Better than just plain stressed. At least I'm happy, diba? :)

you're so far away.

I am both relieved and aggravated.

MIdterms are over. My long tests are over! Everything is finished!

But not really. Instead of just completely zoning out and doing nothing, I keep thinking about all the other stuff I might have to do in the coming weeks. I keep thinking about the future.

Someone has to tell me to stop thinking and just start living. Uggghhh. I really have to stop overanalyzing.

I still miss my barkada. Funny how you never stop missing people even if you know they're just there.

Life is a lonely place to be in without a best friend. I'm glad for my best friends.

I wonder what my scores in Math are gonna be.

My nails are black! They're black!! I love them!

I'm still thinking about my psycho dream. Parang feeling ko I'm still there eh. Hahaha.

Dear Lord, I'm sorry I wasn't able to go to mass last Sunday. I hope you know I really love You. Amen.

Still praying for a miracle. Still praying for a miracle.

still praying for miracles.

MY DREAM WAS PSYCHO!! Funny, but psycho. Haha.

I was getting married to this guy named Miggy. That's just weird cause I don't really know anyone named Miggy...except for my English professor. But anyway. We were getting married and I was in a white dress and everything, but for some reason the ceremony was all weird. I was sitting in one of the pews and talking to my supposed mother-in-law, and she was asking me how many kids I wanted, and I answered in this really matter-of-fact way that I wasn't going to have any kids yet because I was only 18 and I still wanted to become a lawyer. Miggy (whoever he is) suddenly turns around from his standing position at the altar (what he's doing there all alone without me is beyond my comprehension hahaha) and freaks out. He kept saying that he was 25 already and his life was going to pass him by if he was going to have to wait for me that long. I was so scared, I cried. I ended up crying through the entire ceremony (which I couldn't understand) and all the way to the reception. On the way to the reception we had to pass through this bridge, but the car couldn't get through because everyone who went to the reception left their cellphones at the bridge. I ended up walking, and when I finally did get to my own reception, I found myself sitting at one of the tables, looking really pathetic because my own husband was ignoring me.

Then I woke up.

Seriously, man. I don't get it at all. Hahaha sobrang weird eh. But I think it's just basically about all my fears and apprehensions; all the stuff that's been bothering me lately - my fear of never getting the chance to make my dreams come true, my fear of growing old alone. Maybe my crying was like a representation of all that fear finally coming down on me and me not knowing what to about everything. I like to think that the cellphones at the bridge are a representation of something I'm totally dependent on but shouldn't be because it's stopping me from where I'm really supposed to go.

I don't know. I've given up trying to fully comprehend my dreams ages ago.

Okaaay. So I can't remember my dream entirely. Actually, it's been a really long time since I've remembered my dreams...but anyway. Somehow I kind of got myself to remember this one.

I'm at the Blue Eagle Gym. In my red leggings. I'm talking to my teammate Edric about cool clothes to wear, and I feel so weird cause he's dressed so nicely and I look like crap. I decide to jog around the gym to forget that I feel like a baduy person. And then suddenly I'm on my way to class and I meet up with my English blockmates Karole and Esca in the second floor of Kostka Hall. We talk about the trip to Mt. Banahaw and our homework. I then start talking about the really yummy chocolate cupcake they're selling at the sec field right now. I keep thinking about this cupcake but then I keep telling myself not to because it's expensive and I can't afford it.

Hmm...I'm thinking that maybe all these things came up in my dream because these are most of the things I've been busy with lately. My days are mostly training and class, class and training, school and extracurriculars. Maybe the thing about talking to my teammate about clothes is kind of a reflection of my insecurities, which I should get over because I should move on to more productive, fulfilling things which is represented by the jogging. As for meeting up with blockmates from English, maybe it's because I just got back from Mt. Banahaw and I'm still kind of thinking about all the things that happened when I went there.

As for the cupcake, I believe it is a representation of all that I want but cannot have right now. But maybe I just can't have it because I'm thinking that I can't, because I'm thinking that they're out of my reach. But maybe they aren't. Maybe I can have them if I actually tell myself I can.

It's a rainy Wednesday.

I keep thinking of all the other rainy Wednesdays I've had in my life.

And I keep thinking more about how different things probably are now from the way things were all those other rainy Wednesdays. Hmm?

I don't know. Things have kindasorta stopped making sense.

I just want to write again. And start reading again. I miss all the things I used to do.

It's funny how 3 years hasn't really changed a thing. It's amusing how we can't stop ourselves from setting other people apart from the rest.

Just go with the flow with the flow with the flow.

God, I feel just like the rain. I keep coming and going, causing floods all over again and again and again. I feel routinely pathetic. It's the same old feeling every year, at least once a year. Whateeeveeer.

Lately all I've been thinking about are basketball games and training days and homework and all these other new people that have entered my life. I miss the old people.

Wait, rephrase. I think at this point I really just miss my barkada. I really, really miss my barkada.

Pero sana pumasok rin kami sa Final 4. Hahahaha.

Life is still funtasmic. It's just different. There you go. Different.

When I let my mind wander, it brings me right back to you.

We lost to FEU today. Asus. Sayang naman. I was so optimistic about the team pa naman after that fantastic win over DLSU last Thursday.

I got a B on my English paper. My professor said I lacked detail. Detail? WHATEVER FOR? Although he did say I had good grammar and used effective language. Yipeedoodledoo. Pwede na rin. But I'm super challenged to do better next time.

Okay, since it's pretty obvious that none of my paragraphs are in any way related to each other anyway, I'm just gonna keep on talking about random things that aren't related to each other.

Thoughts that have been going through my mind lately:

• Waking up on a Saturday morning without any concrete plans for the day is fine I guess, but waking up on a Saturday morning realizing that you may not have any company for the entire day is just bad bad bad sad sad sad.
• Life can be crazy. You gain so much and lose so much at the same time. The entire thing about balance really is true.
• Priorities do change. Sometimes they change really fast. It's like before you know it you can't remember why you were that kind of person at that certain time anymore.
  
• You really do lose friends in college. Even if you don't want to. Pero minsan hindi lang talaga sila meant to stay eh. Kahit subukan mo rin naman iexplain, hindi rin nila maiintindihan. So mawawala nalang.
  
• Diba they have this saying na the things you love so much about a person, you end up hating about them in the end? Shit, totoo pala yun talaga.
• KIRK LONG IS HOT. NYAHAHAHA.

I would love to just keep on talking and talking and talking, but it's like since college started I barely have the time to do the things I used to do all the time. Like blog. Or read.

I never get to read anymore. This makes me really sad. :(

Whoooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

So much has happened to me in the past 2 months, it's crazy. COLLEGE HAS BEEN SO WOW!

I'm super duper happy I decided to go to Ateneo talaga. :) I love my block, my English block, my Blue Babble teammates, and all the random friends I get to see constantly. It's been a month ++ pa lang, pero feeling ko ang tagal ko na nasa college! HAHAHA FEELING. Pero seriously, masaya. :)

The only sad thing about it is I hardly ever get to see my high school friends na. I mean, I guess I do still see them, pero we never get to bond anymore. I never see Eriks or De or Gelo anymore! :(

But I guess I have to admit that I really am enjoying college. Training's been super tiring and tim-consuming, pero it's worth it. :) I love Blue Babble. :) Dream come true!

Anyways.

It sucks that Mish is leaving. Tangina she's leaving na talaga in 2 weeks!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!! Damn. :( I can't even talk about how sad I am that she's going. I just can't. Hindi ko pa maaccept eh! This is just like when she left ICA to move to BSM, only worse. Way worse.

Gaddemmit. It's been one hell of a ride lately. Grabe.